(un)Helpful Guide to BTS

I'm sitting down to write this on Saturday- not because I think many people will read this today, but I want to be able to say, "I told you so" a little more emphatically, later. 

I'm assuming you're reading this after Sunday, November 19, 2017 because you've recently discovered the k-pop phenomenon that is BTS. Maybe it was their performance at the American Music Awards. You tuned in to see Christina Aguilera's "The Bodyguard" tribute (that I can only assume was INSANE) or maybe it was to see cutie-patootie (and former boy band-er) Niall Horan and his guitar. And while all of the performances were good, one absolutely blew your mind and now you're frantically trying to find more information. 

BTS rehearsing for their American broadcast debut at the 2017 American Music Awards. https://twitter.com/AMAs

Again, it's the day before the #AMAs but I feel positive that the seven surprisingly beautiful Korean boys of BTS' performance of "DNA," a synth-y, pop banger that features a hook you won't be able to stop whistling and choreography that requires militaristic precision, absolutely knocked your socks off. 

Or maybe you're here after seeing them perform on Ellen Degeneres, James Corden or Jimmy Kimmel's show. However you arrived to BTS and, subsequently, this blog, welcome and I'm sorry. Welcome because you're about to fall in love. BTS is wildly talented, puts out BANGER song over after banger song, is hilarious and will suck you in to the A.R.M.Y (their legion of incredibly passionate and shockingly coordinated fans) like a sale at Sephora will suck you into the mall. I'm sorry because there goes the next few years of your life. 

But before we dive any deeper into BTS, let's talk a little bit about k-pop in general. 

Most people's knee-jerk reaction when they see a k-pop boy group is, "There's so many of them" AND "They're wearing makeup!" Firstly, yes there are a lot of them. Seven is too many in a "traditional" sense for boy bands. And I don't know what to tell you. There are boy bands of all sizes- from three to thirteen members (maybe more, I'm not an expert so idk don't quote me), and it really works so you're just going to have to open your mind. (Also, more members offers more variety in the dance formations so I'm a huge advocate for the more, the merrier.) As far as the makeup... you know who else is wearing makeup? Every male you've ever seen on TV. Literally all of them. The Bachelor? Wearing makeup. One Direction? Wearing makeup. Kirk Herbstreit on College GameDay? WEARING MAKEUP. So seriously.... get over it because you know who looks better with makeup? Literally everyone. Don't hate on them because they know a little eye makeup will make them look AWESOME and they're fine with it. 

Ok, now that we've got that out of the way.... let's talk about our precious BTS members. 

RM (or the artist formerly known as Rap Monster) 

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/378865387385165863/

-Leader of the group, speaks on behalf of the group.

-Taught himself(?) to speak English by watching Friends. **I'm honestly not too sure about this one... I think I read it somewhere but I'm not going to research it, just in case it's not true because I think it's the best thing ever.

-Very, very good rapper. 

Jin

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/69031806772771063/

-Visual of the group. **This is a real thing in k-pop groups. There are members who are literally there to be good-looking. 

-Gained national attention when BTS was here for the Billboard Music Awards as the "third one from the left." His response? "I'm worldwide handsome." 

Suga

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/737042295238931933/

**Yoongi is his government name

-Would rather be napping. 

-Wants to be reincarnated as a rock. #goals

-Spits fire bars.

J-Hope

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/512214157612579330/

-Dancing machine. Like for real, an incredibleee dancer. 

-Loud AF. 

-Makes hilarious faces/should be a slapstick comic.

-Straight up ray of sunshine. 

Jimin

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/363032419949262640/

-Classically trained dancer with the voice of an angel.

-Lips that could make Kylie Jenner weep. 

-Smolders on stage. 

-Has very, very tiny hands. 

V

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/363032419949262640/

-Likes Gucci. A lot. 

-Has the deepest voice you've ever heard.

-Wants to be a rapper. Unfortunately, bad at rapping. **Has beautiful singing voice, though. 

-Potentially, the funniest member. Cannot confirm.

Jungkook

https://www.pinterest.com/pin/321233385905898310/

-Baby of the group. **known in Korea as the maknae.

-Incredibly talented all around. 

-#Sassypants. 

Obviously, these guys are FULL of personality. I think that's one thing that really sets k-pop groups apart for me... all of the people involved are so personable, so funny and so enthusiastic. They're so captivating on and offstage. 

I'm so proud of them and cannot wait to see where their hard work takes them. I think they are incredible ambassadors for this type of music/performance in the United States and I'm really excited to watch the awareness continue to grow and welcome more and more fans into this blackhole.  

I've been ALL IN on k-pop for a little over a year now and it's brought me so much joy. I don't see it slowing down anytime soon. Look out for a lot more k-pop and k-pop adjacent content from me moving forward.

Do you listen to k-pop? Who's your favorite group? Leave a comment or hit me up! I'm available to chat on Twitter pretty much 24/7 so hit me up.

-C. xx. 

#MusicMonday - We're going dancing.

As usual, it's been a minute since I've posted on here and as you may have noticed, some things have changed. I'll address the changes in an upcoming post but for now, it's playlist time.

In honor of the #FirstDayOfSpring, March Madness and pedicure weather, I've put together a very "stuck in my office but the weather is incredible" playlist for y'all to enjoy. As always, there are some songs you've probably heard of, some songs you probably haven't and some songs in some other languages. It's one hour and 44 minutes of spring-y goodness.

• Dennis Rodman by mansionz - This song is weird and only gets weirder when the actual Dennis Rodman comes on and starts word-vomiting. But it's catchy AF and has maybe my favorite lyric on this playlist: "I don't care about who's watching..... Dennis Rodman." I can't even begin to talk about the duo that is mansionz though....
• Slide by Calvin Harris (ft. Frank Ocean, Migos) - Could easily be the song of the summer. Could also easily be on the soundtrack at Old Navy. Could be both. Either way, this song is a BOP. I effing love a groovy song with a great bass line. Totally on board with this one.
• Spring Day by BTS - First of all, the song title basically forced me to include it, right? Second of all, it's in Korean. I know, I know... but here's the thing- it's a fantastic mid-tempo pop song. Truly fantastic. I have no idea what they're saying and while I could easily Google the lyrics, I have no desire to. This song is about the awakening the world experiences from winter to spring and also a great down beat. That is all.
• Piece Of Mind by Kehlani - This girl has a great voice. Another mid-tempo tune with a good beat. That's really why it's on here. I like it and the beat is just mellow enough for a work environment. Lyrics NSFW AF though.
• Shape of You (Major Lazer Remix ft. Nyla & Kranium) by Ed Sheeran - Listen. I'm SO over the original of this song already. It's the best damn song but it's been played approximately 923654521228 times too many. But this is just another really good Major Lazer remix. Probz too aggressive for an office environment but sometimes a girl just wants to dance, ok?
• Don't Recall by K.A.R.D - Again, I know you can't understand most of the lyrics but who cares? Great beat. Island vibe. One of the dudes has a superrrrrrr deep voice and it makes my heart warm. I like this song. You will too. Get over the language thing.
• Can't Have Everything by Drake - I like when Drake raps. I especially like it when he's clearly rolling his eyes and condescending.
• Trap Queen by Enzo Bennett - This is incredibly mellow and the dude's voice is like butter. Such a good reworking.
• Blood In The Cut by K.Flay - This is like if Halsey was actually as badass as she wants you to think she is. Rock vibe. Going to be in a commercial for some show about a female lawyer who is "breaking down walls" soooooooooon.
• Selfish by Future (ft. Rihanna) - This song sounds a lot like Stand By Me but I really enjoy how chilled out RiRi and Future are while they're harmonizing. This song sounds like watching the sun come up after staying up all night drinking.
• Faded by Asiahn - This is just such a vibe. Great voice. Mellow beat. She's pissed though.
• About You by xxyyxx - Ok y'all. This one is so mellow and relaxing. It samples some random stuff and then plays some of it backwards.... it's weird but really good to put on for productivity purposes. If you figure out what the lady is saying when it's backwards, let me know.
• By Your Side by The 1975 - You know I'm not going to leave my boys off of a playlist. I'm especially not going to do it when it's a mellow Sade cover.
• Teenage Fever by Drake - 100% included for the J.Lo sample which I find audacious and so freaking Drake.
• Not Today by BTS - This song is about 12,000% too hype for this playlist but y'all NEEDED to know about it, OK?! Again, not in English. Suck it up. This song is incredible.
• Netflix & Dusse by Smino - This is another catchy one and the word play on the chorus is really fun. Honestly, I feel like they are tap dancing over the beat. So good.
• Bom Bidi Bom by Nick Jonas (ft. Nicki Minaj) - I love a soul guitar and a repetitive chorus. This one will crawl up into your ear and hibernate.
• Shot Down by Khalid - Khalid is easily the most exciting singer of last year and I'm so amped on his new album. Like I tried to tell y'all about The 1975, Lorde and k-pop, I'm telling you about Khalid. Get. On. Board.
• Au Volant by Elsa & Emilie - This is one from my favorite genre: Angelic Female Voices Over Hudson Mohawke Style Beats. (I need to work on the name of the genre.....)
• Waves by Kanye West - I'm obsessed with this song. I cried when Yeezy cancelled his Columbia, SC show because I wanted to be a part of the crowd screaming, "WAVES DON'T DIE" while Kanye looked down on us. Sadz.
• Trap Trap Trap by Rick Ross - Idk. I just like this song. Rick Ross is great and I enjoy walking around saying, "Trap trap trap trap trap trap."
• Who That Be by Rich Chigga - I cannot stress how much I like this song. It's like if Lil Dicky was a 17 year old Indonesian kid with a deeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep voice. Song goes hard. I love it.
• Cave Me In by Gallant (ft. Tablo, Eric Nam) - This song sounds like driving with the windows down at night feels. I literally have no other way to describe it. It's great though.
• Once by Maren Morris - If you watched the Grammys, you saw Maren perform this with Alicia Keys. It's better solo. It's so soulful. So powerful. If this is the direction country music is going then I'm all in.
• Poolside by Baynk - This song is hard to listen to in my office because it sounds exactly like sitting poolside. Very California sounding though I think the dude has a British accent? Definitely on the Urban Outfitters soundtrack within a week.
• Girl At Coachella by Matoma (ft. MAGIC!, D.R.A.M.) - The song is good but it's really on here because of the title. #NeverTrustAGirlAtCoachella

I really like this playlist and I hope you will too. Listen on Spotify here:

 

Enjoy!

-C.xx.

18 Things To Talk About With Your Family Instead Of Politics

So it's that time of year again, multiple family gatherings based around holidays all lined up in a row. And, in case you haven't noticed, families are pretty divided by age/politics/where they live/etc. these days. And if Facebook is any indication, y'all are unfriending your aunts and uncles like crazy. Between fake news stories and the ACTUAL FREAKING NEWS, there are a lot of landmine conversations that could happen.

http://replygif.net/871

But don't worry, I'm here to help. I've put together a list of 18 wildly ridiculous topics of conversation to steer the conversation away from politics (and football rivalries, for those divided houses).


- What came first: the fruit or the color orange?
- If steroids are illegal for athletes, why isn't Photoshop illegal for models?
- What are your thoughts on PT Cruisers?
- Do you think Pluto was robbed of planet-hood?
- Do you think British people feel shame since Scar, the only British lion, murdered Mufasa?
- Are we human? Or are we dancer?
- Are eyebrows considered facial hair? If not, what classification of hair are they?
- Why aren't the Fast & Furious movies considered super hero movies? The only difference is cape vs. car...
- Do caterpillars know they're going to be butterflies or do they just start building their cacoon on instinct?
- What are the lyrics to "We Will Rock You?" (Don't look at your phone.)
- How do mermaids have babies?
- Why don't the women on The Walking Dead have armpit hair?
- Why are they called "waiters" when you are the one who has to wait for them to bring you food?
- How did the girl in Flo-Rida's "Low" wear boots with the fur AND Reeboks with the strap?
- Why does your nose run and your feet smell?
- If tomatoes are fruit, would that make ketchup a smoothie?
- Why are they called "apartments" when they're built together?
- Why do we think we know what dinosaurs sound like? We have no recordings.

So these should last you, at least, through dessert. After that, you're on your own.

(Check Twitter a bit later, I might have a playlist for y'all to listen to after you blow through these topics.)

Happy Thanksgiving!

-C.xx.

#MusicMonday: k-pop is more fun than whatever you are listening to. seriously.

Sometimes y'all don't trust my music recommendations. Believe me, it hurts my feelings.

Y'all didn't want to listen to me about Lorde when I started tweeting about her three months before Royals was even released in the United States. In fact, the same month Royals was released as a US single, I wrote a blog post telling you about how good her second single was. None of y'all seemed to care........

I'm assuming The Lion King was on ABC Family? Whatevz.

And a few short months later, the first week of September/the week The 1975's debut album, The 1975, was released (to very little American fanfare, I might add) I started a three year Twitter-spree/obsession with those wonderful British giants. Now, I will say, y'all slowlyyyyy but surely kind of started to listen to me. It took a full year before any of y'all really listened, though.

No worries, I know what it means now.

And like that slow, agonizing campaign I led for y'all to enjoy the (Guita)R&B stylings of The 1975, I have a new mission- and y'all are going to HATE it. But then, you're going to love it and I won't have to say, "I told you so" too loudly.... I'm seriously telling you that K-POP is the next BIG thing in music. Yeah, I said it.

http://todayspictures.slate.com/20120522/

Before I give you the playlist, I'm going to give you a few reasons why you should give k-pop a real shot.

1. The production value is unmatched. Seriously, as far as the music goes, Justin Bieber and Diplo and Skrillex have NOTHING on any of these songs. Not Nicki Minaj, not Demi Lovato, not anyone trying to do pop music that makes you dance. There really is no comparison.

2. The language barrier really doesn't matter. Don't tell me you won't give these songs a chance because you can't understand what they're saying. Lyrics don't matter to you- two of your favorite songs this year only used the word "WORK" for their entire chorus. You don't care about the lyrics, you want to bop along in your car, when you're getting ready, when you're pregaming, etc. You want repetitive choruses? K-pop has that on lock.

 

http://rebloggy.com/post/bigbang-bang-bang-bang/120445219701

3. The music videos are better than most movies. When Swifty's Bad Blood video premiered, everyone was blown away by the sheer scale of the produciton and how much it must have cost. That video literally isn't even special in comparison to any of these. It's wild. Also, the videos display the choreography, wardrobes and editing that are UNPARALLELED.

http://kenh14.vn/bts-dua-voi-lua-trong-mv-tai-xuat-cuc-chat-20160502000101547.chn

So now that I've convinced you to give these 11 songs a chance, let's get down to business.

1. Blood, Sweat and Tears by BTS



This is a song that Justin Bieber would kill to release. It has that weird island-techno-dance-trap vibe that everyone seems to be doing these days. These seven Korean kids do it as good, if not better, than anyone else attempting to do it right now. The album with this song on it came out last week and it broke a bunch of k-pop records for US charts. This won't be the last you hear or see of BTS.

2. 21st Century Girl by BTS



If *NSYNC, Flo Rida and Limp Bizkit had written One Direction's What Makes You Beautiful and performed it in Korean, it would sound EXACTLY like this. From what I can tell, this is straight out of the "don't need makeup/you're in charge/get it girl" playbook but wayyyyyy more fun to dance to. There is no video (yet?) and the choreography is kinda silly but this is a BOP. Since there's no video, this might not even be a single for BTS but if you put it on US radio, it would be the song of the year. I can't wrap my head around it.

3. Ain't No Party Like An AOMG Party by Jay Park and Ugly Duck



So this is technicallyyyyy k-hip hop (I think?) but who really cares when every k-pop group has at least one rapper for every three members? This isn't as catchy as the rest of the songs but I still reallyyyyy enjoy it. With very little research done, I think Jay Park might have lived in the United States for a period of time and I think you can really hear that in this song. Again, the production value of the song AND the video is ridiculous. Like when is G-Easy ever going to get to make a music video like this? He probably lost his chance since the Suicide Squad album has come and gone though....

4. Bang Bang Bang by Big Bang



This group has been releasing music together for 10 freaking years. Can we take a second to appreciate how wild that is?! *NSYNC and One Direction didn't even combine for 10 total years. Anyway, about the song........ This song is good and then the chorus comes in and everyone I've ever played it for LOSES THEIR DAMN MIND. I love the reaction. Also- there's no way this video cost less than $5 million dollars. And this song is such a big deal in Korea that when North Korea got antsy earlier this year, South Korea set up big speakers on the border and blasted this song into the demilitarized zone. THIS IS A TRUE STORY. Kpop- the greatest weapon. 

5. Zutter by T.O.P and G-Dragon (two members of Big Bang)



Once you get past the eyeliner and brightly colored hair and skinny jeans, these two are apparently two of the coolest and most admired people in all of South Korea. In fact, Mr. G Dragon (orange hair) is probably the most famous Korean after the freaking dictator of North Korea. No big deal. Anyway, this song's title translates to "dope" and it is the perfect way to describe it. Put this in English, play it in a frat basement and watch all the white kids lose their damn minds. Seriously, Drake or someone should find a way to translate and get the rights to this song. Song of the year, easily. Or if you're in South Korea, just the third or fourth single off an album. Whatevz. (Also, Mr. Dragon is one of the WORLD'S fashion darlings. That animal print blazer? Saint Laurent. And he had access to that particular collection before anyone else in the world. No big deal.)

6. Hello Bitches by CL



So this fireeee song is pretty much 60% in English which is wonderful. It's the ultimate girl power/don't bother me banger and I am SOOOO here for it. From what I gathered in my very limited research, CL is kind of like Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj in Korea and I could listen to this song over and over again until the end of time. PS- love that she got the dancers from the Sorry video and is actually keeping up with them. Get. It. Girl. I really need her silver hair. She's perfect. I feel like I'm rambling. I love her.

7. MTBD by 2NE1 (CL Solo)



Another one that doesn't have a music video, just a fire track on an album. This one happened to be on her girl group's album. Like they actually let her have a solo song on there and go on tour which is a veryyyy foreign concept to me but seemed to work. Anyway. This is straight fire. Great beat. Words are irrelevant. Get. It. Girl.

8. BOOMBAYAH by BLACKPINK



This is what I consider the most "traditional" pop song of the list. It's some cutesy girls singing and dancing and occasionally kinda rapping? But they dance better than any of our pop stars. By far. Again, don't know what this song is about but I really freaking love to blast it in my car while I'm driving down the road screaming, "Boombayah!" Can you imagine being a pop group and THIS is the first song and first video you release? Ariana Grande is still working up to a video this cool. Demi Lovato may never get there. These tiny Korean girls did it day one.

9. How's This by Hyuna



So if CL is Beyoncé and Nicki Minaj then Hyuna is Rihanna and Miley Cyrus a.k.a. pretty damn crazy pants. Her songs are some of the more simplistic on the list as far as artistry goes but they might have the best production value. She is clearly working with whoever Korea's equivalent of Skrillex is and they are killing it. This song in English would be on every white girl's pregame playlist. Every single one of them. #CatchyAF.

10. Roll Deep by Hyuna



Out of all the songs on this list, I am convinced this one would play best on American radio. It's got a throwback and futuristic vibe which is wild. The chorus is one of the catchiest things I've ever heard in my life. It's a solid pop hit all around. I'm sad more people in the United States don't get to enjoy it. You're lucky I'm here to educate you.

*BONUS* Fire by BTS



This one didn't make the list because there are already two BTS songs on it and it's not on Spotify. Who ever heard of a k-pop group having an Apple exclusive song in the United States? Well, now you have. They're taking over, I promise. Anyway, this song is called "Fire" because it is fire AF. Roll Deep is the one on the list that could play the best on commercial American radio. This one is a veryyyy close second. It's so freaking good y'all. Flo Rida, Shawn Mendes and whoever the next screaming rapper a la Eminem is, please release a song like this. I'm begging you. Don't tell me ESPN wouldn't play this 100 times on football Saturdays.

So..... now that I've given you all the proof you need, enjoy these 10 songs on Spotify and tell ALL of your friends why they should be listening to k-pop, you know you want to.

 

 

Let me know what you think over on the Twitter machine at @RulesForBelles.

 

Enjoy!

 

-C. xx. 

#MusicMonday - Slow To Mid-Tempo Songs By Super Chilled Out Dudes

I know I've been gone a long time. Being in an office from 8:30 am - 6 pm every day will put your blog on hiatus every time. But I still consistently get tweets & DMs about playlists really regularly. Soooooooooo because I love y'all, the playlists are coming back. I was going to do one big playlist the last week of each month but when I asked y'all, this is what you voted for:

Once a week it is.

So without further ado.... this week's playlist theme is:

http://www.dailymail.co.uk/news/article-2865984/Man-jailed-punching-HOLE-8million-Monet-painting-despite-claiming-fist-fell-heart-condition.html

 

-Wat's Wrong by Isaiah Rashad featuring Zacari & Kendrick Lamar - This song is dope and, as you could probably imagine, Kendrick's verse is fire emoji good. I'm a HUGE fan of a classic hip hop slow jamz beat. Roll the windows down when you're driving at night and turn this one way up and just flyyyyyyyy.

-Location by Khalid - This is the song I play at a party or in the car when I want to blow basically anyone's mind. I've yet to find someone who dislikes it. (Bonus - dude is from Texas so I automatically like it more)
-The Shortchange by Thomston - I can put this jam on repeat and leave it for an entire workday. It's so mellow but still has such a good beat, it's wild. This British kid's voice is androgynous and perfect and he clearly loves Hans Zimmer scores because he uses those electric horns liberally and boy am I here for it.
-From The Ground by Danny Brown - I can never wrap my mind around how much I vibe to Danny Brown tracks. I also can never wrap my mind that someone with his speaking voice can lay down something this good. No idea who the woman on the chorus is but she's great. This song has such a good vibe. I really really like it.
-Bubblegum by TOTEM - Y'all might find this wild but this track is the absolute best song I've heard in 2016. I don't understand how it's not all over Top 40 radio. It's literally the perfect Alt-Pop (aka Oxymoron Genre) song. I read an article that described it as "unapologetically upbeat in spite of characteristically downtrodden lyrics" and I don't know if I've ever related to anything more. I neeeeeeeed to see TOTEM perform this in his hometown of Atlanta. Like, tomorrow.
-Wave(s) - Demo Taped Remix by Lewis Del Mar - Not only is this one of the more upbeat songs on this list (wild because it's not very upbeat) but it's legit the perfect driving song. The lyrics don't matter. It's about the medley and the beat. It's just such a tuneeeeeee.
-Somebody Else - Alt Edit by The 1975 - The original version of this song is easily one of the stand out track of the best band in the history of the world's sophomore album. This "Alt Edit" is different in a great way but I really can't describe to you the differences (other than it's a minute shorter).... does that make me a bad fan?

http://earthlingsophie.tumblr.com/

I guess they cut some of the fat and condensed it to a killer song for radio. I think this is a FANTASTIC commercial follow up to The Sound's success.
-Prblms by 6BLACK - I've been trying to figure out who this Atlanta singer/rapper/viber sounds like for days. He definitely has a Bryson Tiller/Tory Lanez vibe but it's still so different. DVSN is probably as close as I can find to this sound but, again, it's just different. Prblms has a distinctly 90s feel while feeling completely modern and influenced by technology. It's a simple song that is a complete conundrum. (PS - no idea why it's the edited version. Ugh.)
-Concrete by Melle Jutte - I have no idea who the actual vocalist is on this one, I've looked. But if the kid from the Netherlands that produced it (Melle Jutte) is who actually recorded the vocals, I'll die from shock. He looks like he's 14 years old and the dude singing sounds like he's the 30 year old choir leader for a church in Atlanta. Regardless, though, this one is a TUNNNNNEEEEEEEEEEEEE y'all.  T U N E E E.
-Black Mambo by Glass Animals - This song is YEARS old but fits this playlist perfectly. One of my all time favorites. Another one where the dude could be not saying actual words and it wouldn't matter. The vibe is incredible. The fact that a song that sounds like this came from four British kids from Oxford will never cease to amaze me.
*Bonus: No Reason by Manatee Commune - I kind of view this playlist as a productivity/at work/getting ready/cleaning/studying playlist and this one is a perfect way to wrap it up.

So I hope you're as excited for the playlists to be back as I am. If you have any theme requests, let me know over on the Twitter machine at @RulesForBelles.

Enjoy!

-C. xx.

#TheBachelor: Recap of these idiots

Last week we only touched on a few of the absolute crazies this season in the hopes that some of them would miraculously drop and I would never have to use the phrase “chicken enthusiast” again. And thank God for small miracles, right? But seriously, we're still in "wait, who the HELL is that?!" phase of the show...

ABC via Twitter

On Monday, the group date was a) seven girls the producers were shocked to discover ever graduated from high school and b) three theoretical smarty pants girls who were supposed to shine and give Ben hope for the future. This ragtag group of weirdos travelled to a local high school to compete in increasingly sexual challenges that would have earned any real high-schooler a detention/a seat at lunch next to the senior captain of the football team.

First, the girls raced to see who could make Ben’s volcano explode first (like, give me a freaking break with the innuendo, producers). Becca, you halfway virgin, you. I expected you would be amazing at this and you certainly delivered. Way to excel at the only skills in your wheelhouse.

ABC via Twitter

After all the girls who knew how to read finished their volcanoes, Ben forced them to go bobbing for apples. It’s truly cruel of Ben to ruin everyone’s makeup so early in the season, especially since every minute of camera time is precious and fleeting for these ten. Not cool bro.

The girls finding states on a blank map was truly the piece de resistance of the episode, as this is a skill most first graders possess. It was painful watching every single group fail miserably, but not nearly as sad as watching Kris Jenner fail at the exact same task a few hours later on Bachelor Live. (Editor's note: We here at Modern Magnolias think Biggi is overestimating the importance of the state of Indiana in the general population's lives.)

After a few physical challenges Ben awarded Mandi his letterman jacket and homecoming crown, making me realize that Ben was probably one of the people who counted his time on homecoming court a lifetime achievement. At least now we know he has flaws, I suppose.

For the rest of the night, Lace went crazy about Ben’s lack of eye contact and then tried to remedy the situation by telling him “she really wasn’t crazy!” which he tactfully ignored. Tensions began rising with the girls and the competition for time for Ben was cutthroat. Jojo earned the group date rose for no apparent reason.

The next day, Caila went on a one-on-one date, which was more of a double date with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, my secret soul mate. The whole date was a shameless plug for their new movie.  In case you forgot, ABC Family is now Freeform and you should go see Ride Along 2 this weekend. Thanks, Bachelor Producers.

Caila seems really nice and sweet and smart, which means she must either be crazy or drunk. Hopefully both. She didn’t get the attention she deserves for the fact that she dumped her boyfriend on the off chance that she would be whisked off to Los Angeles to be on a reality show. (Editor's note: Caila straight up LIED about this and we are excited to see how this will pan out later in the season.) Ben didn’t seem remotely freaked out by that, which is undeniably the most concerning part of this season. Best of luck to you and your poor judgment, Ben.

Their one-on-one date was excruciatingly boring and I was happy when it ended. Now I’m just looking forward to the end of their relationship. (Editor's note: Caroline is absolutely in love with Ben because his favorite song is by Amos Lee. She does, however, have concerns with which Amos Lee song is his favorite. Also, Caroline seems to be the only person on the planet who knows what Amos Lee looks like.)

For the second group date, Ben took the girls to Love Lab, a magical place where strangers in lab coats measure how Ben’s chemistry with each girl matches up and ranks them from soul mate to plebe. I would like to take every person I’ve ever met to Love Lab because I am a desperate lunatic. I wonder if Love Lab ever takes their technology on the road?

During the date, Ben had to sit with the girls, talk and touch them, and smell them. Yes, the smelling part was disgusting. Inevitably, he ran out of nice words to describe the disgusting task at hand and described Samantha as “sour” smelling. Silver lining: America knows Ben isn’t a super love robot and Samantha knows she needs to invest in a better deodorant. Mortifying.

Olivia won the group date rose because she is on a mission to win and made every interaction count. Not only that, she actually told the girls to get in line when they suggested she take a step back and give others a turn. Maybe Amber should take notes on how to get boys to notice her.

ABC via Twitter

The Girls (a.k.a. the most intense Hot Mess Express imaginable)
I truly have no idea which girls are still here and which aren’t. I don’t bother memorizing these girls faces until at least the end of week three, because I don’t like getting emotionally attached to strangers who are only going to break my heart. That being said, the following girls left enough of an impression that my notes on them warranted a response greater than “Girl four has a long ass.” (a real note I wrote about someone who was sent home night one.) Maybe some of them have already been sent home – if so, bon voyage, at least you drank for free for a week. Maybe the Amazing Race is casting.

           

Olivia: Olivia wants to be on TV. We know Olivia wants to be on TV because she is a broadcaster. My high school had a broadcast journalism program and the girls who participated Wanted To Be On TV. Olivia is no exception, because there are no exceptions, there are only girls who couldn’t hack it in beauty pageants. That is Olivia.

Direct Olivia Quote: “I’m deserving and also really humble.”

Olivia, gurl, you don’t get to call yourself humble. That’s for other people to do. I bet you’re friends with mostly guys because “girls don’t really understand you,” right, Olivia?

This experience is going to be really rough for you, Liv. And by this experience, I mean life. And by rough, I mean this was the worst thing you ever could have done and one of your sorority sisters should have stopped you. You can’t blame them, though, because those vultures just wanted their own shot at Ben and you got them one step closer.

Becca: So sweet. So misunderstood. So desperate for love.

via Twitter

Sweet pea, you aren't going to find it here. No matter how many seasons you try, the world is screaming at you to take a step back, and refocus your energy elsewhere. Don’t become a Bukowski. You need to be better than that.

Real life will work out for you because you have normal expectations and a normal-ish timeline. This will not. Ben’s face when he saw you was celebrity excitement, not love at first sight. He wanted a season all his own and he’s going to realize it once the shine wears off. (My guess is shortly after the bobbing for apples but he’s shown poor judgment in the past so idk).

ABC via Twitter

   

Jubilee: Jubilee is such a bad ass. She’s the sort of role model I want and need in my life and I hope she sticks around longer than the producers will require Ben to keep her. She, too, has real expectations and goals and similarly to Becca, won’t be finding love here (duh) but I hope she sticks around for a damn long time.

           

Lauren B, H, LB, Laura and those other ones: If you like these girls then I know you bitches read spoilers because none of these girls have shown even an ounce of personality so far. Way to feed right into producers’ hands. Go home. ALSO – why did Ben (or Ben’s handler) decide to print up a picture of the moment when he met Lauren B? He said it was because he was struggling with how to make her feel special.  This is probably because they met LITERALLY FOUR DAYS PREVIOUSLY AND HE DOESN’T KNOW HER.  1) Maybe you would know how to make her feel special if you spent more than 15 total minutes with her. 2) That picture will mean a hell of a lot more in the future but seems sort of unnecessary in this context, as it was a photo of their only other interaction.


Amanda: Before the producers started planting truly insane people (cough, Mandi, cough) Amanda would have had a shot at being the season lunatic, with her baby voice and the fact that she seems easily manipulated and picked awful names for her children. (Editor's note: Caroline was SURE she said her daughter's name was Jarley but upon investigation found out it was Charlie. How depressing.) Fortunately for her, her whole storyline is working to her advantage and her kids are incredibly cute. I’m glad, because watching Ben genuinely demonstrate excitement at the prospect of having children made me fall in love with him. When they made the hair clips my roommate shed actual tears. I love him I love him I love him I love him.

God, just look at him. He's perfect.

ABC via Twitter

Lace: I need Lace to make it to hometowns so I can meet the parents who chose to name their baby Lace. She’s fab in that I identify most with her, and awful in that I identify most with her. It’s like the ghost of Christmas future come to remind me to put down the drink, smile more, keep wearing pretty dresses and please, for the love of God, don’t let strangers catch on to the fact that I’m the most insane person they’ve ever met.

ABC via Twitter

Thank you, Lace, for doing your part. And Cecily, if this is all just a ploy to test how famous you are – you’re at least B list. You’ve met the President and Colin Jost for God’s sake.

Jami: Who?

Leah: See-through dresses are a bad look. Putting your hands on the ground and your ass in the air on national television is a bad look. Crying a lot about things you can’t control is a bad look. You haven’t done that last one yet, Leah, but there’s still time. There’s always time.

ABC via Twitter

Samantha: Congratulations on passing the bar and mastering law humor. I was looking forward to turning your career into a drinking game this season but unfortunately you were sent home at the end of episode two for smelling “sour.” Too bad.

Equally unfortunate was the fact that you cried on your way out. By the end of week two you shouldn’t have been sad that a boy who you hardly know decided you shouldn’t date.  In fact, you should have considered walking out the minute he referred to you as sour, since that’s nothing you would have ever been able to recover from. At least now you can try to roll this into some sort of Downy endorsement deal.

JoJo: The world only has room for one Jojo and she was in the cinematic classic we call Aquamarine. GTFO. Enjoy:
 

 

 

 

Rachel: Unemployed hoverboard girl who I thought was blonde during the episode but turned out to be a brunette during the rose ceremony. Whatever.

Before this show, Rachel probably only had one class left to finish for her degree and no idea what to do after. Guaranteed, the sentence “if I fall in love with the Bachelor I won’t need a real job for at least two years” passed through her lips.

 
Shushanna: The reason Chris Harrison was able to say that this season the girls were “from all over the world.” Also the reason this season will probably be bootlegged in Russia. Shushanna came to America with $400, a pair of jeans, two pairs of shoes and two bottles of vodka. So basically, Shushanna is a well off college kid. I think I love her

LB: Let’s just revisit the fact that LB left on her own, without fanfare or much commotion. Good for her. Apparently she’s dating Rickie Fowler (Caroline's theory that has zero evidence but a couple of Instagram pictures and a gut feeling), which seems like a fantastic opportunity for both of them. My opinion of LB went up by 100% the minute she walked out the door.
Jackie: Jackie has a forgettable face. The sort of face that maybe belongs to the girl you sit next to in class, or your roommate’s high school BFF, or maybe the trainer at the kennel you take your dog to. Jackie will grow up to be a secretary or maybe record audiobooks. Jackie will be Ben’s final easy goodbye, the week before he starts crying and walking girls out to the car. Don’t feel bad, Jackie, someone needs to be that girl.
 

ABC via Twitter

Amber: Just take everything we said about Becca and apply it to Amber, but with 60% more disinterest. Also, Amber, what’s with the tie-dye spaghetti straps in your cast photo? You know better.

The twins: Imagine you’re a guy having a threesome with these two. Got it? Good. Fun over. Now they need to go because their only purpose has been served. Everything else is just annoying bickering and inside jokes that America isn’t a part of, or a forced caricature that will make these two embrace the very thing they’ve probably been avoiding since day one. Not even the Sweet Valley twins were that in sync and they actually liked each other. Chris Harrison says one of them is getting a fake injury in the very near future and I can’t wait because until they make it clear which one is which I’m just going to pretend there’s only one of them.

 

Everyone else on this season is either too boring for me to care about or had a segment immediately following someone who I had incredibly strong feelings about, causing me to completely ignore them. There’s always next week, incredibly boring girl. Unless you get sent home first. I hope you do.

Now that we don't have to decide between football and Biggi, we'll be watching live. Follow @ModernMagnolias for my live-tweets or follow @RulesForBelles on Twitter and SnapChat for Caroline's.

Enjoy y'all!

-Katie