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| ABC via Twitter |
On Monday, the group date was a) seven girls the producers were shocked to discover ever graduated from high school and b) three theoretical smarty pants girls who were supposed to shine and give Ben hope for the future. This ragtag group of weirdos travelled to a local high school to compete in increasingly sexual challenges that would have earned any real high-schooler a detention/a seat at lunch next to the senior captain of the football team.
First, the girls raced to see who could make Ben’s volcano explode first (like, give me a freaking break with the innuendo, producers). Becca, you halfway virgin, you. I expected you would be amazing at this and you certainly delivered. Way to excel at the only skills in your wheelhouse.
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| ABC via Twitter |
After all the girls who knew how to read finished their volcanoes, Ben forced them to go bobbing for apples. It’s truly cruel of Ben to ruin everyone’s makeup so early in the season, especially since every minute of camera time is precious and fleeting for these ten. Not cool bro.
The girls finding states on a blank map was truly the piece de resistance of the episode, as this is a skill most first graders possess. It was painful watching every single group fail miserably, but not nearly as sad as watching Kris Jenner fail at the exact same task a few hours later on Bachelor Live. (Editor's note: We here at Modern Magnolias think Biggi is overestimating the importance of the state of Indiana in the general population's lives.)
After a few physical challenges Ben awarded Mandi his letterman jacket and homecoming crown, making me realize that Ben was probably one of the people who counted his time on homecoming court a lifetime achievement. At least now we know he has flaws, I suppose.
For the rest of the night, Lace went crazy about Ben’s lack of eye contact and then tried to remedy the situation by telling him “she really wasn’t crazy!” which he tactfully ignored. Tensions began rising with the girls and the competition for time for Ben was cutthroat. Jojo earned the group date rose for no apparent reason.
The next day, Caila went on a one-on-one date, which was more of a double date with Kevin Hart and Ice Cube, my secret soul mate. The whole date was a shameless plug for their new movie. In case you forgot, ABC Family is now Freeform and you should go see Ride Along 2 this weekend. Thanks, Bachelor Producers.
Caila seems really nice and sweet and smart, which means she must either be crazy or drunk. Hopefully both. She didn’t get the attention she deserves for the fact that she dumped her boyfriend on the off chance that she would be whisked off to Los Angeles to be on a reality show. (Editor's note: Caila straight up LIED about this and we are excited to see how this will pan out later in the season.) Ben didn’t seem remotely freaked out by that, which is undeniably the most concerning part of this season. Best of luck to you and your poor judgment, Ben.
Their one-on-one date was excruciatingly boring and I was happy when it ended. Now I’m just looking forward to the end of their relationship. (Editor's note: Caroline is absolutely in love with Ben because his favorite song is by Amos Lee. She does, however, have concerns with which Amos Lee song is his favorite. Also, Caroline seems to be the only person on the planet who knows what Amos Lee looks like.)
For the second group date, Ben took the girls to Love Lab, a magical place where strangers in lab coats measure how Ben’s chemistry with each girl matches up and ranks them from soul mate to plebe. I would like to take every person I’ve ever met to Love Lab because I am a desperate lunatic. I wonder if Love Lab ever takes their technology on the road?
During the date, Ben had to sit with the girls, talk and touch them, and smell them. Yes, the smelling part was disgusting. Inevitably, he ran out of nice words to describe the disgusting task at hand and described Samantha as “sour” smelling. Silver lining: America knows Ben isn’t a super love robot and Samantha knows she needs to invest in a better deodorant. Mortifying.
Olivia won the group date rose because she is on a mission to win and made every interaction count. Not only that, she actually told the girls to get in line when they suggested she take a step back and give others a turn. Maybe Amber should take notes on how to get boys to notice her.
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| ABC via Twitter |
The Girls (a.k.a. the most intense Hot Mess Express imaginable)
I truly have no idea which girls are still here and which aren’t. I don’t bother memorizing these girls faces until at least the end of week three, because I don’t like getting emotionally attached to strangers who are only going to break my heart. That being said, the following girls left enough of an impression that my notes on them warranted a response greater than “Girl four has a long ass.” (a real note I wrote about someone who was sent home night one.) Maybe some of them have already been sent home – if so, bon voyage, at least you drank for free for a week. Maybe the Amazing Race is casting.
Direct Olivia Quote: “I’m deserving and also really humble.”
Olivia, gurl, you don’t get to call yourself humble. That’s for other people to do. I bet you’re friends with mostly guys because “girls don’t really understand you,” right, Olivia?
This experience is going to be really rough for you, Liv. And by this experience, I mean life. And by rough, I mean this was the worst thing you ever could have done and one of your sorority sisters should have stopped you. You can’t blame them, though, because those vultures just wanted their own shot at Ben and you got them one step closer.
Becca: So sweet. So misunderstood. So desperate for love.
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| via Twitter |
Sweet pea, you aren't going to find it here. No matter how many seasons you try, the world is screaming at you to take a step back, and refocus your energy elsewhere. Don’t become a Bukowski. You need to be better than that.
Real life will work out for you because you have normal expectations and a normal-ish timeline. This will not. Ben’s face when he saw you was celebrity excitement, not love at first sight. He wanted a season all his own and he’s going to realize it once the shine wears off. (My guess is shortly after the bobbing for apples but he’s shown poor judgment in the past so idk).
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| ABC via Twitter |
Jubilee: Jubilee is such a bad ass. She’s the sort of role model I want and need in my life and I hope she sticks around longer than the producers will require Ben to keep her. She, too, has real expectations and goals and similarly to Becca, won’t be finding love here (duh) but I hope she sticks around for a damn long time.
Amanda: Before the producers started planting truly insane people (cough, Mandi, cough) Amanda would have had a shot at being the season lunatic, with her baby voice and the fact that she seems easily manipulated and picked awful names for her children. (Editor's note: Caroline was SURE she said her daughter's name was Jarley but upon investigation found out it was Charlie. How depressing.) Fortunately for her, her whole storyline is working to her advantage and her kids are incredibly cute. I’m glad, because watching Ben genuinely demonstrate excitement at the prospect of having children made me fall in love with him. When they made the hair clips my roommate shed actual tears. I love him I love him I love him I love him.
God, just look at him. He's perfect.
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| ABC via Twitter |
Lace: I need Lace to make it to hometowns so I can meet the parents who chose to name their baby Lace. She’s fab in that I identify most with her, and awful in that I identify most with her. It’s like the ghost of Christmas future come to remind me to put down the drink, smile more, keep wearing pretty dresses and please, for the love of God, don’t let strangers catch on to the fact that I’m the most insane person they’ve ever met.
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| ABC via Twitter |
Jami: Who?
Leah: See-through dresses are a bad look. Putting your hands on the ground and your ass in the air on national television is a bad look. Crying a lot about things you can’t control is a bad look. You haven’t done that last one yet, Leah, but there’s still time. There’s always time.
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| ABC via Twitter |
Samantha: Congratulations on passing the bar and mastering law humor. I was looking forward to turning your career into a drinking game this season but unfortunately you were sent home at the end of episode two for smelling “sour.” Too bad.
Equally unfortunate was the fact that you cried on your way out. By the end of week two you shouldn’t have been sad that a boy who you hardly know decided you shouldn’t date. In fact, you should have considered walking out the minute he referred to you as sour, since that’s nothing you would have ever been able to recover from. At least now you can try to roll this into some sort of Downy endorsement deal.
JoJo: The world only has room for one Jojo and she was in the cinematic classic we call Aquamarine. GTFO. Enjoy:
Rachel: Unemployed hoverboard girl who I thought was blonde during the episode but turned out to be a brunette during the rose ceremony. Whatever.
Before this show, Rachel probably only had one class left to finish for her degree and no idea what to do after. Guaranteed, the sentence “if I fall in love with the Bachelor I won’t need a real job for at least two years” passed through her lips.
Shushanna: The reason Chris Harrison was able to say that this season the girls were “from all over the world.” Also the reason this season will probably be bootlegged in Russia. Shushanna came to America with $400, a pair of jeans, two pairs of shoes and two bottles of vodka. So basically, Shushanna is a well off college kid. I think I love her
LB: Let’s just revisit the fact that LB left on her own, without fanfare or much commotion. Good for her. Apparently she’s dating Rickie Fowler (Caroline's theory that has zero evidence but a couple of Instagram pictures and a gut feeling), which seems like a fantastic opportunity for both of them. My opinion of LB went up by 100% the minute she walked out the door.
Jackie: Jackie has a forgettable face. The sort of face that maybe belongs to the girl you sit next to in class, or your roommate’s high school BFF, or maybe the trainer at the kennel you take your dog to. Jackie will grow up to be a secretary or maybe record audiobooks. Jackie will be Ben’s final easy goodbye, the week before he starts crying and walking girls out to the car. Don’t feel bad, Jackie, someone needs to be that girl.
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| ABC via Twitter |
Amber: Just take everything we said about Becca and apply it to Amber, but with 60% more disinterest. Also, Amber, what’s with the tie-dye spaghetti straps in your cast photo? You know better.
The twins: Imagine you’re a guy having a threesome with these two. Got it? Good. Fun over. Now they need to go because their only purpose has been served. Everything else is just annoying bickering and inside jokes that America isn’t a part of, or a forced caricature that will make these two embrace the very thing they’ve probably been avoiding since day one. Not even the Sweet Valley twins were that in sync and they actually liked each other. Chris Harrison says one of them is getting a fake injury in the very near future and I can’t wait because until they make it clear which one is which I’m just going to pretend there’s only one of them.
Now that we don't have to decide between football and Biggi, we'll be watching live. Follow @ModernMagnolias for my live-tweets or follow @RulesForBelles on Twitter and SnapChat for Caroline's.
Enjoy y'all!
-Katie
