As a white girl, The Bachelor is something I’ve heard about for, what feels like, my entire life. But seriously, I think it’s been on at least a decade. That’s a lot of roses and a lot of episodes to avoid. But I did it like a champ.
*Full disclosure on my Bachelor/Bachelorette history: 1) I vaguely remember watching an episode where a Firestine was The Bachelor(?) Did I fabricate this in my mind?! I’m not sure and the wifi in my office is down so I can’t Google it. (I’m writing this in Microsoft Word like it’s the dark ages…) 2) I heard so much about Andi and how fabulous she is that I watched the last hour-ish of her premiere episode and turned it off because there was literally no way Josh Murray wasn’t going to win that season. It would have been a waste of time and honestly, it wasn’t as dramatic as I was lead to believe it would be. 3) I’m genuinely so unsure why but I somehow stumbled upon Kaitlyn’s finale episode and decided to live-snapchat it in a last minute decision that will go down in history. No lie, I got over 300 new snapchat followers from that because I was kind of brutal and y’all sadists love that. So after that experience and about a dozen of my friends preaching to me about how perfect Ben H. was as a human being, I decided to watch last night’s episode and give this season a chance.
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| https://twitter.com/BachelorABC/status/673982451803406336 |
*Full disclosure on my Bachelor/Bachelorette history: 1) I vaguely remember watching an episode where a Firestine was The Bachelor(?) Did I fabricate this in my mind?! I’m not sure and the wifi in my office is down so I can’t Google it. (I’m writing this in Microsoft Word like it’s the dark ages…) 2) I heard so much about Andi and how fabulous she is that I watched the last hour-ish of her premiere episode and turned it off because there was literally no way Josh Murray wasn’t going to win that season. It would have been a waste of time and honestly, it wasn’t as dramatic as I was lead to believe it would be. 3) I’m genuinely so unsure why but I somehow stumbled upon Kaitlyn’s finale episode and decided to live-snapchat it in a last minute decision that will go down in history. No lie, I got over 300 new snapchat followers from that because I was kind of brutal and y’all sadists love that. So after that experience and about a dozen of my friends preaching to me about how perfect Ben H. was as a human being, I decided to watch last night’s episode and give this season a chance.
And boy, do I have thoughts…
THE BOY
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| https://twitter.com/BachelorABC/status/683996370114510853 |
Let me start with Ben Higgins. Why is this person who is so precious and so charming not only convinced he’s incapable of being loved but also convinced that to find love, he needs to A) go on one TV show to compete with 20-ish guys for one girl AND B) go on a second show to deal with 20-ish psycho girls who GREW UP watching and obsessing over The Bachelor. (I think this is why I finally gave in to watching this show- it’s SO Meta. How do they all take this so seriously and pretend like they’re doing something completely normal?! Like, they reference twitter and hashtags but they can’t have their phones. HOW DID THIS GROUP OF MILLENIAL GIRLS HAVE A CONTINUOUS CONVERSATION WITH STRANGERS FOR MULTIPLE HOURS?! I’m genuinely captivated by this.)
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| https://twitter.com/RulesForBelles/status/684194295901896709 |
Anywayz… back to the topic at hand. Ben is super normal. Normal is not what I think of when I picture the qualifications The Bachelor should have. From what I’ve gathered from Twitter and various TV shows and blogs, there always seems to be something suspect about the guys on these shows. Like, you can always kind of look at them and say, “Ok… I get why he’d have to resort to this because he kind of is the worst.” But Ben being single is shocking to me. SHOCKING. Like, what is wrong with his personality that people haven’t seen on TV?
He should just camp out at any college bar (since his type seems to be super young and probably unemployed…) and smile. He’d absolutely NOT be single after, like, three hours. Except… he probably hangs out with guys who have funny/strong/existing personalities and he is just ornamental to the group and NEVER gets the girl.
Let’s be clear, Ben is precious but he’s not a smokeshow. He’s genuinely hot… for a normal person. Like, I genuinely believe he is a former basketball player from Indiana. If you pointed to him in an airport and read me that byline, I’d be like, “Yeah. Obviously.” Or if you told me he was Peter Brady’s super popular nephew. I’d believe that too.
And as pretty as Ben is, his personality seems to be completely based on giving and receiving compliments. Maybe it was editing but he was FANTASTIC at greeting the women coming out of the limo/dealing with their special brand of crazy but once they actually had to talk to each other, they just kind of talked about how beautiful each other looked.
But, I’m a fan of Ben. I’m looking for a tall normal-person-hot kind of guy who seems to have a high likelihood of being pliant and moldable to my will, much like Ben.
So safe to say, I’m a fan of Ben and will continue to watch the show until he makes some kind of bonehead move and I refuse to watch.
THE GIRLS
There are SO many girls on this show. I think going in to last night’s episode, I knew there were going to be a bunch of girls but like… when you see them all together, THERE ARE SO MANY GIRLS. It was honestly pretty overwhelming for me and I was sitting at home on my couch in South Carolina… I can’t imagine how sweet Ben managed to deal with it. That being said, there are WAY TOO MANY GIRLS TO TALK ABOUT so I’m going to talk about the crazy ones because normal is boring.
Let’s start small… girl with the save the date, football girl and unemployed with a hoverboard.
I’ve never seen the actual process of the girls coming out of the limo and I don’t know what I was expecting but this by far exceeded all of my expectations. But I think this goes back to that most of these girls grew up watching this show and they’ve seen like hundreds of ridiculous girls get out of the limo and act like idiots.
Save the date girl: I get it. You’re on The Bachelor and you’re trying to make a first impression but THIS IS REGULATION CRAY CRAY and, while I’m not a guy, I assume that this would genuinely freak a guy out.
Football girl: girl. You are from Colorado where I’m pretty sure he wants to live. According to your Instagram, you seem to go to a lot of Broncos games and he’s a guy from Indiana so I’m going to go ahead and assume he’s a football fan. I think if you would have just opened that door and threw the football at him, he’d have LOVED it. But you turn around, hike up your skirt and throw the ball through your legs?! GIRL. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I was rooting for you. We were ALL rooting for you. And you blew it. (But I think they might end up together whenever his “engagement” and 15 minutes of fame are over and he has to go back to work in Colorado.)
Football girl: girl. You are from Colorado where I’m pretty sure he wants to live. According to your Instagram, you seem to go to a lot of Broncos games and he’s a guy from Indiana so I’m going to go ahead and assume he’s a football fan. I think if you would have just opened that door and threw the football at him, he’d have LOVED it. But you turn around, hike up your skirt and throw the ball through your legs?! GIRL. WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? I was rooting for you. We were ALL rooting for you. And you blew it. (But I think they might end up together whenever his “engagement” and 15 minutes of fame are over and he has to go back to work in Colorado.)
Unemployed with a hoverboard: The girl from Arkansas who doesn’t have a job but does have a hoverboard is super cute but I just CANNOT with this. Ugh. (More interested in Ben on the hoverboard than the girl on the hoverboard.)
Genuine crazy…
Rose Head: There is absolutely ZERO chance this girl is not a plant (lolz) from the producers. The fact that she just interrupted him multiple times and had a freaking rose on her head and GAVE HIM AN ORAL EXAM by the pool AND still gets a rose… there’s literally no way Ben would have given her a rose if his hand was not physically forced. She is here for the shock value and props to the producers, it worked.
But I stand by my statement that she is an actor.
Lace: I was completely unaware that Cecily Strong had a really bitchy, drunk younger sister. I had high hopes for this girl and she COMPLETELY let me down. She has absolutely studied how this show works and she is straight up trying to get the most camera time. And it's working so far. I think she's here to get on the paradise show. Not for Ben. And Ben has to be unequivocally terrrrrrrrrified of her. This is a whole lot of woman who is probably into bondage and I just can't see Ben being into being tied up and whipped.
But I stand by my statement that she is an actor.
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| https://twitter.com/ModernMagnolias/status/684195423628689409 |
Lace: I was completely unaware that Cecily Strong had a really bitchy, drunk younger sister. I had high hopes for this girl and she COMPLETELY let me down. She has absolutely studied how this show works and she is straight up trying to get the most camera time. And it's working so far. I think she's here to get on the paradise show. Not for Ben. And Ben has to be unequivocally terrrrrrrrrified of her. This is a whole lot of woman who is probably into bondage and I just can't see Ben being into being tied up and whipped.
OVERALL THOUGHTS
This show is so ridiculous and I cannot believe I watched it AND the hour-long after show. But I’ll probably do it again.
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| https://twitter.com/RulesForBelles/status/684199909763887104 |
Statistically speaking, he’ll probably pick one of the Laurens. Because I think she is super boring and would think she’d go home pretty quickly, I’m going to go with the flight attendant- being the first girl out of the limousine HAS to count for something. I think the final two will be Lauren the flight attendant and Caila who broke up with her boyfriend to date Ben while he’s dating a million other girls.
And I'm really upset that Ben is not dating me. ugh.
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| https://twitter.com/RulesForBelles/status/684208763671343105 |
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| https://twitter.com/RulesForBelles/status/684212762084425734 |
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| https://twitter.com/RulesForBelles/status/684218029006143488 |
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| https://twitter.com/RulesForBelles/status/684213533463023616 |
I might not be watching next week since there's a pretty big football game on but I'll probably record it and tweet/snapchat/blog about it later.
If you have something nice to say, or more likely... something rude to say, hit me upon Twitter.
Enjoy!
-C. xx.
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